Q. Some of Jesus’ teachings have puzzled me over the years. While some may have been part of a parable, others were definitely spoken directly to people as instructions. Take this one: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.” I thought we were supposed to love even our enemies. So why does Jesus say we should hate our families?
In this earlier post I explain that when Jesus says we should love our enemies, he doesn’t mean that we’re supposed to feel a warm and delighted attraction to people who have hurt or betrayed us, a feeling that makes us want to be in a close relationship with them.
Rather, we should understand “love” in this case to be a commitment, not a feeling. We commit to doing whatever is in that person’s best interests, in the hopes that this will help them realize that they’ve done wrong and lead them to pursue restitution and reconciliation.
It’s just the opposite when Jesus says that we should “hate” our families. He’s not saying that we should be committed to doing whatever is most harmful or hurtful to them. Rather, in this case, he’s talking about a feeling, not a commitment.
Jesus is saying that we should be so devoted to him as his disciples that if anything or anyone should ever threaten to come between us and him, we would react to this with a strong feeling of antipathy and revulsion that makes us choose Jesus over that person or thing, without hesitation.
In the culture in which Jesus lived, family loyalty was probably the thing that was most likely to come between a would-be disciple and Jesus. (The same is still true in many parts of the world today.) And so Jesus is saying that if your family members try to keep you from following me, you have to react with such horror and revulsion that you’re prepared to lose your relationship with them in order to become and remain a disciple of mine.
Beyond this, however, Jesus told his followers to be very careful to follow the commandment to honor their parents. This included doing such things as providing for them in their old age. Jesus’ earliest followers similarly taught the importance of caring for family. So Jesus’ words about “hating” family must be understood only in the context of never letting anything come between us and our loyalty to God.
To state the matter simply, when Jesus says we should love our enemies, he’s talking about a commitment, not a feeling. When Jesus says we should hate our families (if they would come between us and him), he’s talking about a feeling, not a commitment.